it's been a year... and i thought things won't get any better. but then, destiny proved me wrong...

truly,
good things come to those who wait..

i've been trying to keep myself busy ever since the school year started.. joining different orgs and trying to participate in school activities as much as i can.. trying to make new friends.. mingling with people i won't usually talk to.. its all because of the fact that i'm trying my best to hide the hole of depression that's growin' in on me..

it's hard.. it's hard trying to live with guilt.. it's hard trying to live with what might have been..

i can't move on.. i'm stuck..

most of the people around me, tell me that i'm lucky.. that i have everything a teenage girl could ever ask for..
how did they say so?
well, according to them.. i'm pretty, smart and talented.. and i have a ton of guys at my heel..

but for me, that's completely off the point.. they think that just because one person have these traits, it's suppose to make that person happy.. *sigh* well, it's not that i'm complaining, but for me that's not the baseline of neither happiness nor contentment..

no matter how beautiful one looks outside, it would never outshine what you are on the inside.. and no matter how much i try to smile, it would never hide pain that i feel inside..

i actually went through the 5 stages of grief..

first, denial..
i didn't want to believe it before.. i kept on hoping that it was just a joke.. but reality slapped me back to my senses.. and i became aware that it's over..

second, anger..
i was mad at myself.. i knew all along, that it was gonna end like that, if i'm not gonna do anything.. but still i allowed it to happen.. the blame's on me.. i was well aware of that..

third, bargaining..
i actually asked God, if it was possible to trade all the suitors i have, just to have him back.. crazy thing to do right? but i guess a little insanity is a side effect of pain..

fourth, depression..
the great depression as i call it.. i kept everything to myself.. i kept on thinking that i'd be able to get by on my own.. it was a stupid thing to do, but i guess i don't want anyone to worry about me..

fifth, acceptance..
i gotta admit i never really got through this part.. whenever i earn a step closer to it.. something happens that knocks me ten steps back..


so, that was it.. at least i thought so..

but then, last month.. he talked to me.. now, we're friends.. and there's nothing more i could ask for.. i'm really proud of what he has achieved so far..

as to the question, "are you expecting for the two of you to get back together?"
my answer is no.. i'm not expecting anything more.. i just want him to be a part of my life.. and he is..


its funny how teenagers perceive a small problem as an apocalypse.. but i guess, that's teenage life.. you gotta be crazy at some point..